i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
