how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
