I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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