Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
