after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
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There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard