She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago