I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
