I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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