i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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