Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
