i think my mom watched the whole time
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
