So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
