Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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