God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Who died my cat blue again?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
