I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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