so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
