You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
