We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
