He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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