Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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