dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
