operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You're like the curious george of whores
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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