So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water