first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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