I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
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Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
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I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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