You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
