but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
