Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The Olympian is in my bed
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