We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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