And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
