I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Randomize
