I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
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I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
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He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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