the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
