I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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