he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
