In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
