I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
