Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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