bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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