This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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