okay pat passed out under dana's car
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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