if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
