As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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