You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
