I'm going to rape someone's good day.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
