I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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