I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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