i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
