i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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