Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
