i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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