Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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