Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
