My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
