why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
