I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
