u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
