just tell him i said nine months
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
