dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
