I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
we're so committed to being not committed
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Help. Why am I so naked?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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