Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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