Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
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I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
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I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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