Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
